December 28, 2020

Good evening all, it's been a little over a week since my last update on the brain mass situation. Not much has changed with respect to the diagnosis, but I am overjoyed by the outreach of support from my friends, family and coworkers. I never realized how many people care about me so much and are hoping and praying for me every day. It is truly an inspiration that I will use as fuel to keep fighting with everything I've got.

Physically I have felt good all week. No signs of seizure or headaches, it is almost like there is nothing wrong with me at all. I continue to remain positive and immediately climb out of that pit when I feel the emotions overwhelming me. Mind you, I'm not ignoring this situation, just finding constructive ways of dealing with the facts we know and those we don't, which are honestly more stressful. The best medicine so far has been warm hugs from my loving wife.

This blog continues to be a great outlet for me mentally and it would seem that others find it helpful also. Whether it is to stay informed of my situation or maybe even find inspiration in my positivity. After all, I'm not the only one with problems. There is no help in losing ourselves to despair. Some of the best advice I've seen so far is super simple. When the weight of life becomes overwhelming, simply take it in smaller steps. When the dishes need done, do the dishes... When dinner needs made, make dinner... So on and so on until you can face the future with strength and vigor once again! No one ever said we have to have our entire lives planned out, and as I have recently learned, life is far to unpredictable for that anyway. 

My advice, take more time to hug your loved ones, take more time to talk with them and to encourage them to be their best selves. Take the time to listen to people, especially when they are struggling with whatever their problems may be, they will appreciate it more than you know. Take the time to teach people, those things are your legacy when you're gone, whether it's tomorrow or 50 years from now. When I was reminded that I won't live forever, I dug deep and found the people matter the most, something that is far too easy to forget as we toil away in our own lives. 

Made From Scratch Corn Casserole 2020

A photo of the only piece to survive until publishing

I'm down a can of creamed corn, and a box of Jiffy Mix. Christmas dinner is just around the corner, I'm having one of the best Christmas mornings, like ever, so I'm not leaving for supplies. I have to make the corn casserole, it just isn't acceptable to not do that, everyone loves this stuff, what am I gonna do? I do my google thing, and figure out that you can in fact make creamed corn from scratch, and what's more, you can pull it off without the heavy cream. Which of course I don't have.... because... why would I?  I remember seeing a recipe for a copy cat Jiffy Mix recipe previously, so I think we're in business.

See the 5 Ingredient Corn Casserole Recipe Here

See the Creamed Corn Recipe Here

See the Jiffy Mix Copy Cat Recipe Here

If you take a good look at the original creamed corn recipe above, you may notice that they are essentially making a white gravy from the milk and adding in cooked corn and a bit of sugar and spice to finish it up. I modified this a little bit by using canned corn and since I'm going into the casserole I can just add the second can of sweet corn at the same time. That's two ingredients of 5 down, next we need the sour cream and butter which I have. Last but not least is the copy cat Jiffy mix, and since those are all dry ingredients, they will go in last. 

Here's the plan, we make the basic white gravy on the stovetop, while we are heating two cans of sweet corn, in the canned juices, in the microwave for about 5 minutes. When the corn is done, drain it. Add the corn, gravy, sour cream, and melted butter into a mixing bowl and stir until well combined. Separately whisk the copy cat Jiffy Mix dry ingredients together until well combined. Add the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and stir until well combined. Pour the whole lot of it into a greased 8 x 8 inch casserole dish. Place in a preheated 350 F (~175 C) oven for about an hour, or until the center has firmly set. I was a bit skeptical at first with this being a cobbled together version of my original I am so well known for, at least in my circles. Also, this mixture was noticeably different in color from the original 5 ingredient recipe, this was very white, like milk going into the oven. However, as this came out of the oven, it was golden brown and the edges had pulled away from the dish perfectly. Upon tasting this recipe, it is a solid 10, totally worth the extra effort. Come to think of it, the extra effort was really just the making of gravy and measuring dry ingredients...

The Shepard Experience Corn Casserole Recipe

Step 1 - Prepare the "cream" for the creamed corn

3 tablespoons butter (I use Member's Mark Salted Sweet Cream Butter USDA Grade AA)

3 tablespoons flour (I use Pillsbury Best Bread Flour Enriched)

2 cups of milk (I use Horizon Organic Vitamin D Whole Milk with DHA OMEGA-3)

1/2 teaspoon pepper (I use Member's Mark Restaurant Grind Black Pepper)

In a small saucepan, over medium heat, melt butter and whisk in the flour until you get a smooth mixture. Add the milk to this mixture and whisk vigorously until combined. Boil this mixture to thicken, stirring frequently. Once a gravy consistency is reached, transfer to mixing bowl.

Step 2 - Combine remaining ingredients and mix thoroughly

2 cans sweet corn (I use Del Monte Fresh Cut Golden Sweet Whole Kernel Corn)

2/3 cup of flour (I use Pillsbury Best Bread Flour Enriched)

1/2 cup of yellow cornmeal (I use Aunt Jemima Yellow Corn Meal)

1/2 cup granulated sugar (I use Zulka Morena Pure Cane Sugar)

1 tablespoon of baking powder (I use Hearth Club Double Acting Baking Powder by Clabber Girl)

1/2 teaspoon salt (I use Morton Iodized Salt)

2 tablespoons vegetable oil (I use Pure Wesson Vegetable Oil)

Open two cans of sweet corn, and pour the corn and canning juices into a microwave safe bowl. Place bowl in microwave and heat for about 5 minutes. Once heated, drain the canning juices from the corn and add to the mixing bowl with the "cream" or gravy. In a separate bowl, combine all the dry ingredients using a whisk. Then add to the mixing bowl with the corn and "cream", add the vegetable oil, and mix until well combined. Pour the mixture into an 8 x 8 inch casserole dish and place into a preheated 350 F (~175 C) oven for about an hour or until the center is set firmly. 

5 Ingredient Corn Casserole

Over the past few years, my family has come to expect their helping of corn casserole at the holidays. I've traditionally made this casserole using a simple recipe easily found on the internet. Search for "5 Ingredient Corn Casserole" and you will find a dozen or more listings of the same casserole using the following recipe.

1 can of corn, drained (Del Monte Golden Sweet Whole Kernel Corn)

1 can of creamed corn (Del Monte Golden Sweet Corn Creamed Style)

1 cup of sour cream (Daisy Brand Sour Cream Pure &Natural)

1 stick of melted butter (Member's Mark Salted Sweet Cream Butter Grade AA)

1 box of Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix (Brand name, no substitutes) 

Super simple, just add those five ingredients to a bowl, stir them thoroughly, and pour into a greased 8 x 8 casserole dish. Place in a 350 F (~175 C) oven for about 45 minutes. Time will vary based on the dish you use, I prefer glass, and it usually takes closer to an hour to fully set the center. Many other recipes you will find use a few other things like eggs, maybe cheese, but I prefer these simple 5 ingredients alone. For several years this recipe has served me well, I've received many compliments and kept very few leftovers.

This year, we had a lot going on and due to a very fortunate oversight, I have discovered another corn casserole recipe that is even better than this. It is not nearly as easy to make, so by all means if you like the recipe above use it, it literally takes 5 minutes to assemble and if your guests like corn casserole, they are gonna like this one.

Christmas morning, I set out to make the casserole by rounding up the ingredients as I usually do. One can of corn, check. One can of creamed corn, out of stock...oh no. Sour cream, check, butter, check, one box of Jiffy mix, out of stock...uh oh. So out of a 5 ingredient casserole, we have exactly 3 ingredients, this is clearly going to be a problem. We are already behind schedule on Christmas dinner, because we are always behind schedule, that's just how the best food is made. Going to town for the missing ingredients is out of the question, we have important guests and I don't want to miss any time with them, so what will we do? Why, improvise and overcome, that's what....

See the more complicated, but worth it recipe here.....

December 20, 2020

Yesterday, Nancy's house burnt, it's a total loss. Nancy is one of my wife's customers, she walks and grooms her dog and they have become friends. We just left the neighborhood to pick up boxes of food at Wea School, thank you Ivanka Trump and farmers! As we pulled through the school parking lot a gentleman approached our car and asked if anyone needed prayer today. I'm not usually a spiritual man, but my wife asked him to pray for me, and so he did. He complimented my name and asked Jesus to come into my life and for me to feel his presence. I don't know about all that, but it did feel good to have a complete stranger take a minute out of his life to care about my problems for no reason at all.

If you know me very well, you may not believe this, but I've always
believed there is something spiritual about the human condition. However, I have never believed organized religion was anything more than people helping people, which is fine, but I just don't have blind faith in the bible or the "word". I've always felt like the American Indian was closer to the truth with the idea of mother earth and the interconnected conscious of all of mankind.

The engineer in me feels that life itself just about has to be a transition of energy from a higher ordered state to a lower ordered state following the laws of entropy. Assuming this is the case, then life probably exists all over the universe, processing those higher ordered energy states into lower ordered energy states. Consciousness though, holds a special place in the order of life. A single celled life form is likely driven purely by instinct to gather energy and process that down with no real thought, driven by a conglomeration of proteins that react in ordered ways because of their physical structure. Once an animal is forced to reproduce via another animal, then all the wonders of consciousness start to appear. The ritual dances and shows of power or grace to make oneself more attractive, these are all clear signs of purpose with actual conscious thought involved. This begins to drive everything else that this animal does and suddenly nothing is random anymore. We live in this world, where there are uncanny instances of what feels like communication even without words, sometimes across long distances, and are very difficult to explain through current science. In fact, they are so difficult to explain or accept in scientific terms that they are often dismissed as pure coincidence. If you live long enough, the idea that these are all pure coincidence starts to become difficult to accept.  It is in these times and areas of our lives that consciousness feels spiritual in some way, as if we are all connected by it somehow.

I don't want to dive into a deep conversation about life and spirituality, so back to my story about Nancy's house. Immediately following the prayer, we pulled up to receive the food boxes that we came here for and immediately received a phone call from Judy, another customer of my wife's, to tell us that Nancy's house was on fire and that Boots, the dog, and Nancy were ok and across the street at Judy's house safe and sound. We rushed home and managed to arrive just moments before the fire trucks arrived. We needed to check on Laura's house, her son Calvin, and their dog Samson who live right next door to the house that was on fire.  Laura was out of town, and my wife found Calvin sleeping on the couch and Sampson pacing back and forth, clearly aware something wasn't right. Ultimately, Laura's house wasn't harmed and nobody was hurt but I'm so glad we were able to help secure everyone's safety. It was quite an experience with thick black out level smoke, hard to see and hard to breath, an experience leaving me questioning the gentleman who prayed for me....

December 20, 2020

I feel good this morning, it has been awhile since waking up to anything but fear and dread. My son came over the other day and suggested that I try some CBD gummies to address my stress levels and the lack of sleep, he left some here. I'm pretty skeptical of this sort of thing but I had to do something and really didn't want to go down the prescription anti depressants road, even though they were offered several times by various doctors. I'm already taking the Keppra and although I am tolerating it well, I think maybe it is causing a bit of evacuation problems if you catch my drift.

What I have noticed is I wake up feeling ok given the news I received, but the act of taking the Keppra at 9 am seems to kick of my emotions shortly after. I'm not sure if it is the simple act of taking the Keppra reminding me of my situation or if it is a side effect of the Keppra itself, but shortly after taking it the emotional roller coaster starts.  So for the past couple days, I have gotten up a little early, taken a small dose of CBG delivered in Olive oil, and then at 9 am I take my Keppra.  My mood doesn't seem to crash and I would almost say that I'm in a positive mood most of the day.  I haven't noticed any other side effects or tiredness.  

My wife had a great idea, we should watch something funny or uplifting in the morning to help combat this problem.  So today we watched The Christmas Chronicles with Kurt Russell. Oh man, I forgot how great this movie is, if you haven't seen it I suggest you stop what you are doing and watch it immediately! Not to sound depressing or anything, but what if I only had the one Christmas left? How would I make it great, unforgettable even? Which gets me to thinking, maybe I've actually been given a gift with this diagnosis. I mean, no one lives forever, and I've been reminded in no uncertain terms that you have to make the most of every day because you don't know which will be your last. I think about the the things I've wasted my energy being upset about in the past year or two and it all seems so small now, why did I allow myself to waste that time being angry or upset? It's because I was gonna live forever back then, I had time to fix everything, time to do it all.  

Well, turns out, nothing lasts forever...not even me. So time for a reality check, what matters most to me, and what matters when I'm gone? Clearly my kids are my most important legacy. Maybe my words and the impacts I've had on the people around me. Students that I have impacted and helped graduate, and maybe the discoveries they make that could change the world long after I'm gone. In short, it's pretty clear the people matter the most, everything else will rust away or be lost with time. Even long after I'm forgotten, those things I have taught or instilled in people will continue to be passed on to others and continue to impact the world.

Glioma Diagnosis

Warning: This article contains difficult information to process if you know me, and deals with matters of life and death.

Ok, so the proverbial crap has hit the fan...and splattered all over the wall! There is no good way to say this so I'm just gonna throw it on the table and then we will kick it around. 

I had a seizure on the afternoon of December 5th and again about 3 am December 10th, 2020.  Both described as generalized tonic clonic seizure, no apparent lasting neurological effects. After the second seizure an MRI was performed, it was in this imaging that I was diagnosed with a likely glioma in the left frontal lobe of my brain which will require an awake craniotomy, because it is so near the speech centers of my brain. 

Needless to say, the news felt like a death sentence, and that has been a hard feeling to shake. It's a full 10 days later and I'm finally able to face a new day without the overwhelming rush of emotions that I face every morning as I remember my diagnosis. Before you waste your time googling the above diagnosis, let me give you the nitty gritty reality of it. It all comes down to the surgery, and the pathology of the tumor that is removed from my brain. Assuming the doctors are correct based solely on a set of MRI images and bloodwork, then I have a glioma which is almost certainly a grade II or higher glioma given my age at diagnosis. Assuming the best case scenario, at least 20% of patients with slow growing grade II glioma will live 20 years and more beyond diagnosis. Until the surgery, I can only hope beyond hope that I am one of these patients. 

As much as I hate to even bring it up, it wouldn't be fair to not consider the worst case scenario as well.  The worst possible case is a pathology report that shows a grade IV fast growing glioma.  In this case, average patient life expectancy is 15 months.....Never saw that coming! Insert your favorite explicative here! 

At this point, I can't say for sure, its a huge spread and the doctors could even be wrong, they are working with very limited information. I can't fathom a 15 month life expectancy and so I'm not even going to consider it. As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to live forever...well, at least get to enjoy many years of retirement. That's the only attitude I can approach this with, for my sake and for the sake of my wife and children. If you've never been handed a diagnosis like this, it is impossible to describe the range of emotions that wash over you, sometimes minute by minute. The fear of leaving people behind, the love you feel from those close to you, the fear they feel for you...it is palpable. 

I have chosen to work with the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They are the best of the best, giving me the best shot, and I intend to fight with everything I've got and never stop.